Having assembled and filled his new bookshelf, my friend Tom invited three of us to his apartment. We were all men in our mid-30s to early 40s, and we had all originally connected over writing and reading. Now, we’re all friends.
In Germany, we call this “a mens’ round.” Just a bunch of guys hanging out and shooting the breeze. Society’s expected version of these events is men drinking copious amounts of beer to lubricate some honest sharing, the results of which everyone forgets by morning. Then, everybody emotionally shuts down again, returns to their family, and humbly goes about their everyday life.
Our group was not like that. It wasn’t group therapy, but it was still personal. And all we had was a beer each, if that, and some pizza. It was an evening of culture, not escape. We discussed the selection of books on Tom’s shelf, of course, which was broad and extremely well-curated. But we also discussed work, AI, military service, family dynamics, living arrangements, and geopolitics.
In the context of the latter, my friend John said “two things can be true at the same time.” I found the same applied to our mens’ round as well: First, I was fascinated how many differing opinions you can find between only four people. And second, it was nice to see you can still share these opinions without tearing each other to shreds, which has become the sad default of most of the “discourse” we see online these days.
If you had recorded our three-hour session as a podcast, most listeners who know us would likely have been surprised by at least a statement or two each of us made. But collectively, I’m sure the audience would have agreed: This is the kind of civil debate we need. In Germany. In America. And anywhere else in the world, really.
We didn’t have any great ideas. No magic bullets or clever solutions to ongoing wars, volatile commodity prices, or human-replacing technology. But we actually discussed these problems in a productive way, and we all left on terms which made us look forward to getting together once more.
Politicians needn’t be friends, of course, and, sometimes, being nice won’t get the job done. But if the only modus operandi of leadership is “my way or the highway,” there eventually won’t be anyone left to lead but oneself. It’s okay for leaders to not know, focus on connection, and lead from behind, especially if the alternative is dragging the world through the mud to try and cross a finish line no one else can even see.
Whether you separate your get-togethers by gender or not doesn’t matter, of course. Have a ladies’ round, a mens’ round, or a people-in-their-50s’ round. What counts is getting together, sharing, daring to venture wherever the conversation will go, and then still parting as friends. Beer or not, I say cheers to that!
