Family Archives | Page 2 of 5

The 4-Ears Model of Good Communication

July 17, 2020August 10, 2023 Nik

All relationship problems are communication problems.

Tim says: “The window is open.”

Maya says: “I’m not your butler.”

Whoa! How did such a small interaction go so wrong? Tim said just four words, but, immediately, his girlfriend felt offended. Sadly, exchanges like this happen millions of times every single day. I’m sure you’ve had one.

Maybe, Tim just thought out loud as he noticed the window being open. Maybe, he wanted Maya to notice the birds singing outside or tell her that he opened it for a reason. Or, he really did want Maya to close the window.

Unfortunately, Maya responded so fast that she didn’t have time to consider all these options. Her heuristic-driven brain jumped to one conclusion when it should have thought about many.

We all do this. We speak before we think, and we damage our relationships in the process. Today, Maya snubs Tim. Tomorrow, Tim cuts Maya off. And the day after tomorrow, Tim and Maya break up. How sad and unnecessary.

If Tim and Maya had taken some time to talk about how they communicate, they might still be together. This is called meta-communication, and it makes perfect sense: If all relationship problems are communication problems, improving your communication will make most of your problems go away.

No One Is Coming to Save You

June 9, 2020September 25, 2023 Nik

Your parents aren’t coming to save you. They’ve done that often enough. Or maybe never at all. Either way, they’re not coming now. You’re all grown. Maybe not grown up, but grown. They’ve got their own stuff to take care of.

Your best friend isn’t coming to save you. He’ll always love you, but he’s knee deep in the same shit you’re in. Work. Love. Health. Staying sane. You know, the usual. You should check in with him some time. But don’t expect him to save you.

Your boss is not coming to save you. Your boss is trying to cover her ass right now. She’s afraid she might get fired. She’s fighting hard to keep everyone on the team. She’s worried about you, but she has no time to save you.

What Is Unconditional Love?

May 12, 2020August 10, 2024 Nik

Unconditional love is the only true love there is.

But, to be honest, I don’t really know what ‘unconditional’ means. I don’t think many of us do.

We know what’s not unconditional love.

Expecting someone else to fulfill your needs is not unconditional love. Neither is doing them favors if those favors are attached to that same expectation. Even hoping your partner will want all the same things you do isn’t unconditional love. That’s just delusion.

Blind trust is not unconditional love. When you see your girlfriend walking right into a trap, you must call her out on it. False pride isn’t unconditional love. Sometimes, our loved ones screw up. If your boyfriend is on the wrong side of an argument, tell him why and help him see.

But what is unconditional love? Here are some ideas.

The Most Generous Tweet of 2019

May 5, 2020June 28, 2024 Nik

On March 9, 2019, Billy By tweeted his frustration out to his followers — all 20 of them.

One week earlier, his dad had finally opened the donut shop he’d named after his son: Billy’s Donuts. Every day, he woke up at 2 AM to make fresh donuts.

The cute little store near Houston, Texas, opened every morning at 5, but so far? No customers for the grand opening.

Billy took a few pictures of the store front, the yellow-themed interior, his dad behind the counter, and, of course, some freshly glazed, delicious looking donuts.

He tweeted them along with the simple truth: “My dad is sad cause no one is coming to his new donut shop.”

What happened next, no one could have expected. Not Billy and definitely not his dad (who didn’t even know what Twitter was).

5 Phrases Caring Partners Use Often

April 23, 2020August 10, 2024 Nik

The best way to have a caring partner is to be one yourself. This isn’t always easy, but it’s simple.

For years, I used to wish someone would make me feel cared for and thus safe and loved. They wouldn’t have to fix all my problems, just show real interest, concern, and actually listen. As it turns out, much of receiving these feelings of affection, understanding, and respect was in my hands all along.

I’m in a relationship now, and the number one thing I’ve learned so far is this: If you want to feel cared for, care deeply for others. Reciprocity is a powerful force. When the giving is honest, it feels natural to want to give back, not forced or manipulative.

Lately, I paid attention which phrases my girlfriend uses that make me feel cared for, respected, and loved. Now, I’m making an effort to use them more often. I’m not perfect, but it feels good to say and mean them — and to frequently hear them in return.

4 Zen Stories That Will Change How You Think About Life

April 16, 2020August 10, 2024 Nik

I’m an introvert. I overthink. It’s what we do. My mind is always on, and even on good days, it can be hard to feel calm. Part of this is human nature — our brains are built to fix problems — but if you’re constantly worried about solutions, the future, and what’s not working, you can’t enjoy the bursts of relief we’re meant to celebrate whenever we achieve a breakthrough.

Drop a person like that into an environment of adversity, and they’ll forever lose themselves in a maze of their own making; a maze of thoughts they’ll whiz through like a rat seeking cheese, only to realize there’s none to be found once they’ve seen every corner. Now, on top of that person’s natural tendency to worry, every day offers them new opportunities to create negative thought spirals, and before you can scream so much as “Stop!” they’re already waving at you from the top of the slide, ready to begin another descent into misery.

It’s true. Life can be a real doozy sometimes. But even when it feels like the world is collapsing — especially if you’re prone to worry to begin with — you can’t dwell on the negative. The easiest way to do this is to turn to a good story.

Below, I’m sharing four that will get you back on track if you feel stuck in a spiral of worry. They’ll change your perspective, redirect you towards progress and growth, and, if you let them, they just might make your day.

You Have an Identity Crisis Because You Think You Have Just One

January 31, 2020July 5, 2026 Nik

In the late 90s, Jim Carrey was the most famous actor in the world — and also one of the best-paid.

He once pulled out a check on Jay Leno for $10 million for “acting services rendered” that he’d written himself four years earlier. Later, he told Oprah that he ended up making that exact amount just before the deadline in 1995. A little over a decade later, however, after Bruce Almighty and Yes Man (on which he made another, staggering $35 million), he sort of, just, went away.

Less acting, fewer crazy stunts, no more insane paychecks.

He showed up again in 2017, seeming very out of touch at a Red Carpet interview and then spotting a huge beard on Jimmy Kimmel. He’s easing back into the spotlight these days with appearances in Sonic and his own TV show, but still, wherever he pops up, he seems as happy and calm as he seems mysterious and aloof. He’ll go deep out of nowhere, tell an odd story, or remind us that “we don’t matter” while simultaneously talking about “the limitlessness of our souls.”

It all feels like something has happened to Jim Carrey in the time he was away. Of course, things have. But instead of dismissing him as another lost-cause actor, maybe, we can learn something from him. Maybe, we should let Jim Carrey happen to us.

The 5 Qualities of Emotionally Mature People

January 9, 2020August 10, 2023 Nik

A few years ago, we had a falling out with my grandfather.

Sadly, my grandma died fairly young. Lung cancer. 2008. After her death, my grandpa started “acting out” — or at least that’s what a parent might say.

Before he retired, my grandfather was an architect and a very successful one at that. Since grandma died, however, my grandpa has been “spending the money with both hands,” as we say in Germany. Trying to fill a void that can’t be filled, he buys cars, art, and expensive clothes. He takes fancy vacations, eats out a lot, and dates women half his age who only care about his money.

He’s also completely retreated from family activities. He bailed on my sister’s concert once — before it was her turn to sing. He never shows up at our house anymore. He’s angry, erratic, and scares everyone away, even his friends.

Now, my grandpa was always a bit difficult, but I also remember him as a generous, funny, interesting man. He always had good taste, hosted great parties, and told jokes about everything. Unfortunately, that man seems gone.

Next to my aunt, I was among the last to visit him before he stopped talking to us altogether. In the end, what shocked me the most was his utter lack of perspective. He was unable to see anyone else’s point of view, and that’s why he now spends most of his time alone.

My grandpa never grew up. He is a 4-year-old child inside the body of a 79-year-old man. What my grandpa is missing — and what my grandma used to compensate for all these years — is emotional maturity.

What Living Thing Do You Take Care Of?

January 6, 2020June 26, 2024 Nik

The best small talk advice I’ve ever gotten may come from Scott Adams’ How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big. While still in his corporate career, Adams took a Dale Carnegie public speaking class. One of the topics was how to make conversation with someone you don’t know all that well yet.

The technique Adams shares is dead simple and plain obvious, which is probably why it’s also, in his words, “100% effective.”

All you do is introduce yourself and ask questions until you find a point of mutual interest. I’ll paraphrase the Dale Carnegie question stack as best I remember it.

It goes something like this:

1. What’s your name?
2. Where do you live?
3. Do you have a family?
4. What do you do for a living?
5. Do you have any hobbies/sports?
6. Do you have any travel plans?

This made immediate sense to me. You graze the surface with the world’s most mundane questions, and, as soon as you find a point of common connection, you double down.

This doubling down, however, is also the key to making this technique work. “Mutual interest.” This is important. If you don’t press on the topics that fascinate both of you, you’re just checking boxes on a doctor’s initial diagnosis clipboard — and you’ll blow through that list pretty fast with these basic questions. So once you find an exit to a higher level of conversation, take it. Immediately. Don’t get stuck in mundanity town.

If, for some reason, you find these questions too personal for someone you just met, consider what Adams had to wrap his head around as well:

The secret to making the list of six questions work without seeming awkward is in understanding that the person you meet will feel every bit as awkward as you.

Adams says everyone wants to talk about interesting things and “sound knowledgeable.” If you can make that easy for them, that’s great — and what topic do we know more about than ourselves? The gist of it is this:

When you ask a stranger a personal question, you make that person happy.

It’s not awkward. It’s not disrespectful. It’s the opposite. It’s the best thing you can do.

The 5 Best Decisions I Ever Made

December 21, 2019June 25, 2024 Nik

Three weeks ago, I graduated from Technical University of Munich with a Master’s degree in Management & Technology.

I’m not wearing the gown in this picture yet, but it’s the favorite one I took with my parents that day:

That day, November 29, 2019, marked the end of a very long journey for me — and the beginning of a new one.

It was the end of nearly ten years of fighting, struggling, learning, failing, repeating, but always continuing my way through the German academic system.

It was also the first day of the rest of my life as a full-time writer.

See how I said that without even blinking?

Ten years is a long time. While I was constantly second-guessing myself, wondering about the teaching methods, the practicality, the purpose, and the kind of career and life academia would give me later on, I also used that decade to do something about it.

That same day, Nov 29, also happened to be Black Friday. While I was out with my parents, at the ceremony, having dinner with my friends and later partying at a club, my website made over $2,000.

$2,000 in a single day.

Granted, it was the best day of the year, but still. That’s pretty damn amazing.

My name is Niklas Göke. I’m 28 years old. The year I finished grad school, I made over $100,000. I’ve never held a normal job, and I hope I never will.

Every day, I feel grateful that I get to do what I love, that it pays my bills, and that I’m in control of my time. I live a very happy life.

It’s not perfect. I have problems, issues, things to work on with myself and others. But I feel I’m in the best position I could possibly be to have a wonderful, fulfilling future.

These are the five best decisions I’ve made in my life thus far.