Relationships Archives

There Is Nothing in My Phone That I Want to Look at Anymore

July 17, 2024July 24, 2024 Nik

I entered the tram and sat down. I allowed the little paper bag and my umbrella to graze the floor, but barely. You know when you don’t want your stuff to get dirty, but you also don’t want to hold it, and so you sort of just let it dangle with enough support so your hand doesn’t get tired? That’s what I was doing. It was a hot summer day, and I was on the verge of breaking a sweat, but in Munich, you never know.

I took out my phone and tapped in and out of a few apps. My emails. My portfolio. WhatsApp. There was nothing in any of them that I didn’t already know.

I had caught up with my emails a few hours ago. As always, many remained unanswered.

I already knew the markets were flat. How much does any given stock portfolio move in a day anyway? 1%? 2%? 5%? It’s not like I’ll suddenly be able to retire. Why look at it every day to begin with?

WhatsApp has its moments, of course, but to be honest, that, too, can feel like a chore. Like I’m behind on my homework. Especially after a long weekend away. So many good people. So many kind messages to get back to. Just…not now, perhaps?

After a bit of mindless scrolling, the most noticeable aspect of which were the zooming animations as I darted in and out of each app, I found myself staring at my “App Library” screen, which looks innocent enough but shows no less than 46 potential apps I could click on. Then, time stopped for a second. In a moment of profound clarity, a thought crept into my mind:

“There is nothing in my phone that I want to look at anymore.”

The Myth of Constant Growth in Relationships

April 30, 2024April 29, 2024 Nik

In the How I Met Your Mother episode “The Exploding Meatball Sub,” Barney’s crazy sandwich concoction is far from the only thing to go up in flames.

Ted’s new girlfriend Zoey is both intelligent and pretty. Unfortunately, she’s also the head of the campaign trying to keep Ted’s skyscraper from being built in order to preserve an old building.

“Isn’t it hard for you guys to be on opposite sides of something like this?” his friend Lily, who sees eye to eye on almost everything with her husband and college sweetheart Marshall, asks. “Some of us want a partner who challenges us to grow and evolve,” Ted replies. As it will turn out, that’s baloney.

The Plus-and-Minus Theory of Living Happily

August 11, 2023August 11, 2023 Nik

On most days, I don’t shower to not feel dirty. I shower to feel clean. It may not sound like it, but there’s a difference.

Have you ever wasted away in bed for a few days until, at some point, you couldn’t stand your greasy hair anymore and lugged yourself into the shower? If so, by turning on the water, you took care of what Frederick Herzberg would have called “a hygiene factor” — pun present but not intended.

In his 1959 book The Motivation to Work, Herzberg, a clinical psychologist and professor, introduced a model of motivation called “the two-factor theory.” It stipulates that in order to feel happy in our jobs, two conditions must come together: a lack of dissatisfaction and a presence of satisfaction.

Omotenashi: How the Japanese Remind Us We Deserve to Be Happy

May 16, 2023May 16, 2023 Nik

On our last night in Tokyo, we missed the korot stop. It was nearly 8 PM, and we knew this was our last chance. “Dude! We have to turn around!” My friend and I got off at the next stop along the red Marunouchi metro line that connects Shinjuku and Tokyo Station, then hopped right back in to go the other direction.

I can’t recall whether it was Ginza, Kasumigaseki, or Shinjuku-sanchome station, but I still remember exactly what the tiny stall selling little pieces of heaven looked like. It was a 10-foot-long aluminum box with two glass displays, their bottom half straight, the upper half curved — the kind you typically see in bakeries and cake shops. “Thank god!” The single-pull metal shutter was still open.

Why I Deleted Most of My Social Media

May 4, 2022August 8, 2024 Nik

A few weeks ago, just before Elon bought Twitter and made it look cool, I deleted my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok accounts. “FITT,” their initials spell, and fitter I feel indeed.

The main idea behind minimalism isn’t to save money or time. It is to save mental energy, which physical items take up, even if they’re sitting quietly in your attic. Somewhere in your subconscious, you know the broken volleyball net is up there. Even if it only makes it to the top of your mind on occasion, you’ll feel a burden being lifted once you chuck it in the trash.

Digital minimalism works the same: You can stop using your social media, but the accounts will still be there. So will all the connections. All the posts you’ve created will still harbor the energy you put into them. The weight of sunk costs will be palpable.

“I wonder what Marcus from my year abroad is doing.” That thought hits different when you can check up on Marcus vs. when you can’t — and the latter is not necessarily a bad thing.

We tend to be kinder to people when we keep them only in our memory. Plus, when you can’t see Marcus’ new house, you won’t feel bad about yourself from the inevitable comparison that follows. When Marcus only visits your attention once a leap year, your natural reaction is to wish him well, then be on your way. For many relationships in our lives, this is the way they’re supposed to go. We’re not wired to maintain distant yet infinite contact with thousands of people.

Manage your social media in a way that prevents them from managing you.

What Makes You Attracted to Someone?

September 22, 2021August 10, 2023 Nik

Why do you keep dating douchebags? How come you can’t you get over your ex? Why do some relationship feel effortless, while others force us to try very hard? The answer to all of these questions lies in understanding attraction.

I’m not talking about sexual attraction, although what I’ll share will, to some extent, explain that too. I mean attraction as in: “Oh, I like that guy!” The kind of attraction that’s natural, effortless, and that you might feel towards a great deal of people, even if you don’t have any agenda involving them whatsoever.

It’s a good thing, this attraction. It allows humans to get along, which, in a world this crowded, becomes more important by the day. When you easily hit it off with others, you can seamlessly navigate thousands of relationships, no matter how microscopic their role in your life may be. Which do you prefer? A queue at the bakery in which everyone gives each other the death stare, or one with light banter and the occasional, “No way, I always go for the chocolate-frosted ones too!”?

As we shall discover, this last bit of “me too” is a key element of attraction: Likeness breeds liking. I mean, it’s in the word, isn’t it? “Josh likes Trina” indicates that, in one way or another, Josh and Trina are alike. This phenomenon is so universal, it lets Seth Godin explain marketing in a single sentence: “People like us do things like this.” For now, let’s remember that since likeness is easy to find, so is attraction — and that turns our superficial chemistry into a double-edged sword.

If you quickly relate to others, beyond forging genuine friendships, you’ll also connect with many people that, ultimately, don’t belong into your life. Sometimes, that connection extends far beyond a brief encounter at the bakery, and that’s when things get complicated: A shared love for jello shots becomes a six-month stint of endless arguments. A brutal assignment survived together makes you cannon-fodder for your coworker’s quest to get promoted. That’s attraction leading us astray, and the consequences hurt.

While it won’t prevent you from ever falling for the wrong person again, understanding why attraction forms is the first step towards getting better at knowing when to trust your attraction and when to double-check your gut.

“Knowing” is the key word here. That’s where the answer to the seemingly simple yet surprisingly complex question of “Why are we attracted to people like us?” begins. Given humans have been trying to understand each other since the dawn of time, it might come as a little less of a surprise that that answer can be found in a 2,000-year-old book.

The Only Thing That’s Toxic Is Calling Things “Toxic”

July 14, 2021August 8, 2024 Nik

If you haven’t heard, femininity is toxic. Masculinity is too. So are feminism, individualism, and positivity. Spirituality is toxic, as is your family, and many other things that end on y. Diet culture, the friend zone, even digital design — life is one giant nest of snakes.

Your boyfriend is probably toxic. Or girlfriend. Your friends surely are. And your boss? Definitely. Even your UX manager might be toxic. Didn’t see that coming, did ya? Your coworkers, on the other hand…that’s obvious.

Your habits are toxic, and so is your ego. Throw in your personality for good measure. Don’t get me started on your parenting. That is the worst. How you review code is toxic. So is your interrupting, and literally everything you do in relationships. You’re basically oozing venom! Maybe you should start a chemical business.

In truth, the only thing that’s toxic is calling things toxic left, right, and center — especially when the “things” you talk about are actually human beings. “Toxic” is a terrible word, and, plainly, not an adjective you should ever use to describe anyone.

Someone Will Save You Today

June 21, 2021August 10, 2024 Nik

If his mom hadn’t called him about the suicide book he’d ordered from the library, Tim Ferriss might not be here today. Thankfully, most of us will never need such a chance encounter or staged intervention. Why is that?

Why don’t we all require literal life-saving, given we all fight the same existential battles? I have a theory: You’re already being saved. It just happens differently than you imagine, and you don’t realize it does.

Every day, tiny parachutes protect you from falling. You don’t know who made them. You don’t see them on your back. All you know is you’re okay, and that’s the part that matters.

The Office Isn’t Dead

May 20, 2021August 8, 2024 Nik

If home is where I live, the office can be where I work. I’ve never had a problem with this distinction. In fact, I used to quite like it until it disappeared.

If I ask you “How’s the office?” right now, you’ll probably say some version of: “What office? My office is everywhere, as long as it’s in my house.” But what if I slightly alter the question? What if I ask you: “How do you feel about the office?” What’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Maybe, it’s the spicy hot dogs you inappropriately ate at 9 AM in the morning in the canteen of the place you interned at when you were 23. Maybe, it’s that one overbearing boss whose antics made you paranoid about details in a way you can’t quite shake to this day, paranoia you now often wonder about, hating it, yet thinking it may actually, ironically, contribute to your success.

Maybe, it’s the friendly doorman greeting you with a relentless smile each morning as you entered a big skyscraper you knew you’d only leave when it was dark again. Maybe, it’s the pungent smell of your colleague’s desk plant, a plant you wanted to throw into the trash every time you walked by but that now, you still somehow seem to miss.

Whatever they may look like, chances are, your feelings about the office are more complicated than “I’m so glad to be rid of it.” At least mine are.

You Don’t Need New Friends

May 5, 2021August 8, 2024 Nik

A few weeks ago, I messaged an old friend. After some chit chat, she said: “We should catch up some time!” Instead of agreeing with the usual “For sure!” that never leads to anything, this time, I did something different: Right then and there, I hit the call button — and we talked for 20 minutes.

We talked about our careers, about the compromises in our relationships, and about how the pandemic has affected us. We talked about our plans, the memories of our time together, and about how we can’t believe it’s been eight years since we saw each other in person.

It was a deep, fun, and invigorating conversation, and that’s why, unlike many others, I still remember it today. When I reflected on the experience later, I realized: I have hit the stage in life where I don’t need new friends — I need to make sure I don’t lose the friends I have.

Category: Relationships