Do I want this thing because I genuinely feel like it, or do I want it because I believe it’ll put my anxious mind at ease? Sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference.
Last Friday, I had my first coffee after a month or so. It was a treat. A pumpkin spice latte on Halloween? Full of sugar, cinnamon, and whipped cream? Oh yeah. I didn’t feel low-energy. I wasn’t looking for a boost. Just for a small reward for ending the week strong. As a result, the coffee was easy to enjoy, and I didn’t crave another one the next morning. It didn’t pull me back into the caffeine cycle.
Today’s hot chocolate? That one I’m not sure about. I frequently get one with my pretzel for a light lunch on workdays. But I also was feeling anxious. I hadn’t slept well, work had a potential, last-minute speaking gig looming—any writer’s worst nightmare—and the rest of the day was busy and meh as well. So was that hot chocolate part of my routine, or was it an anxiety blanket? I don’t know—but I try my best to stay aware when whatever I’m about to do feels like a crutch I’d like to lean on. And then, if I can, make do without it.
Music, caffeine, food, sex, alcohol—it’s astonishing how many crutches we have access to on a daily basis. And how many of us run on some combination of them permanently without realizing it. I, too, am relying on these things more than I need to, and sometimes more than I’m even comfortable admitting.
For brief moments, I’ve been crutch-free altogether. It’s amazing how you feel and what you can accomplish when your only inputs are enough good food and sleep, and then it’s just you and your mind against life every day. This isn’t to say treats aren’t nice or appropriate at times. But when treats are no longer optional, well, they’ve become crutches. And those are two very different things.
Think about it. Is this a treat or a crutch? And remember you can fly even without wings.
