Dunbar’s Number: Can You Build Strong Friendships With a Large Number of People? Cover

Dunbar’s Number: Can You Build Strong Friendships With a Large Number of People?

Nik Critical Thinking, Happiness, Quora, Relationships, Science, Technology

Dunbar’s number is a fascinating concept. British anthropologist Robin Dunbar came up with it in the 90s.

Dunbar suggested 150 is number of social relationships you can maintain, which go beyond knowing people’s name and a little background info (like where they work).

Simply put, Dunbar’s number is…

“The number of people you would not feel embarrassed about joining uninvited for a drink if you happened to bump into them in a bar.” — Robin Dunbar

Try to manage more and friendships start to fall by the wayside. I think this number is overrated for 2 reasons:

  1. Dunbar didn’t account for smartphones.
  2. It’s completely unrelated to happiness.

Through social media and the web in your pocket, you could keep tabs on several hundred people. Who knows, maybe even a thousand. Dunbar didn’t know we’d be able to talk to everyone, everywhere at the time.

But the question is: What is it for?

500 Facebook friends don’t mean anything. In fact, Dunbar came up with not just one number, but three types of groups:

  • Bands: 30–50 members.
  • Groups: 100–200 members.
  • Tribes: 500–2500 members.

I bet some of those Neanderthals felt happier in the first, some more comfortable in the last. Whichever one you gravitate towards, make no mistake:

More does not equal better. For relationships as much as for anything else.

When it comes to achievement we quickly see it makes sense that we have to give up one dream for another. Great relationships come with the same sacrifice.

The number of people I know I can always fall back on is less than 10.

The number of people I know I can call any day, no matter how long we haven’t spoken, without them or me holding grudges, is less than 20.

The number of people I have at some point interacted with, but will likely never see or hear from again, is probably more than 10,000.

I am perfectly fine with that. I like it this way. It makes my life simpler.

Forget the sizzle. I want the steak. Instead of feeling comfortable around people uninvited at the bar, I’d rather invite just enough to sit around a campfire with.

I feel like if I spend all my energy on those 10–20 people, I’ll die a happy man.

“I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

— J.R.R. Tolkien

Nik

Niklas Göke writes for dreamers, doers, and unbroken optimists. A self-taught writer with more than a decade of experience, Nik has published over 2,000 articles. His work has attracted tens of millions of readers and been featured in places like Business Insider, CNBC, Lifehacker, and many others. Nik has self-published 2 books thus far, most recently 2-Minute Pep Talks. Outside of his day job and daily blog, Nik loves reading, video games, and pizza, which he eats plenty a slice of in Munich, Germany, where he resides.