The Kisses You Don’t Feel

When I kiss my sleeping girlfriend goodnight in the evening or goodbye in the morning, I don’t always know whether she’s really awake or not — but I give her those kisses anyway, because that’s what love is about.

Love is the blind you close, the water you refill, the blanket you adjust after your partner has fallen asleep. It’s the surface you wipe, the food you prepare, the clothes you lay out while your son is at work. Love is the last-minute birthday present you rush to organize for your friend, the paperwork you submit on your colleague’s behalf, and the third round of revisions to the roadmap that no one asked you to make.

Love is a million invisible actions that add up to something tangible and real. The kisses you don’t feel might not be in your memory, but they still exist — and that’s what makes them some of the most important ones.

Loaded Questions

“Did you set off into freedom or set off into power?” the invisible interviewer asks. If you’ve watched until this far, you’ll already know the answer. In fact, anyone who even knows the interviewee’s name can likely guess the answer.

Originally born in Hamburg, Angela Merkel spent the first 36 years of her life in the DDR, the “German Democratic Republic.” Unfortunately, the country formed with significant Soviet influence was anything but. What masqueraded as a democracy was actually a totalitarian, communist state.

“It was like in the book by Orwell, 1984, more or less,” Merkel says in another segment of the documentary. “Not [quite so] perfect as it is written there, but nearly as perfect.” Everyone was aware, Merkel says, that wherever 20 or so people met, at least 1-2 of them belonged to the Stasi, the “State Security.” Privacy didn’t exist, and whoever bucked the state too obviously might soon have found themselves demoted — or perhaps would no longer be found at all.

When the wall fell and Germany was reunited, Merkel, like millions of people, was simply thrilled to no longer have to constantly lie, to buy winter shoes when she wanted them instead of waiting for them to become available, and to go to a club where the music was chosen, not dictated.

But you don’t need to know any of this to see that the journalist asked a loaded question. The mere sound of it. Imagine asking a friend the same thing. Loaded questions have a tendency to only ever apply to a fraction of the population, if anyone.

For 99% of people, the answer would be the same Merkel gives in the interview: “I set off into freedom, of course. No question about it.” Ha! She even says it. “No question about it.” At least not for anyone who spent five minutes preparing to interview Angela Merkel, one would hope. That’s the part we skip when we converse with goals instead of open ears.

Did you imagine being the person sitting across the table, if only for a minute? Doing so would cure almost anyone from asking loaded questions. They’d squirm in their seat and revert to a more thoughtful line of questions. But imagination can only be volunteered, and when you’re paid to elicit headlines rather than answers, it’s easier to not raise your hand. To continue with the usually scheduled programming. To keep asking pointless, loaded questions — such as “Did you set off into freedom or set off into power?”

You might not be a journalist, but it still pays to think about who you’re talking to. To put yourself in their shoes and listen more so than poke. Who knows? Maybe one day, you’ll sit face to face with someone important. Or inspiring. Or both. And if ever that day comes, you’ll want to ask good questions.

Letting Go vs. Holding On

Both are skills you can learn, practice, and get better at. One is more important than the other.

No matter how hard you try, there’ll only ever be a few things you can hold on to in life. Choosing those things carefully matters. If you do so, however, you can set yourself up for a lifetime of happiness with just a handful of good decisions. Your relationship with your partner. Your dream career. Maybe a desire to have children and raise them well. What else could you need to hold on to?

Letting go, on the other hand, is a habit you’ll need on a daily basis. Can’t make the 9 AM bus? Let it go, catch the next one. Your hairdresser closed up shop? Let them go, find a new one. Not gonna make promotion this year? Let it go, try again. Time, money, and energy constraints will force you to let go of a million things in life, and if you struggle with acceptance, you’ll suffer every single time that happens.

In a universe that pits you against infinity, the winner is already decided. There are only so many rounds to go, and while you can’t change the outcome, you can decide how you’ll play the game. Surprisingly, that is not only enough — it’s everything.

Hold on to what you can’t do without, let go of the rest, and live in peace rather than die with regret.

Groups & Calm

When it’s just you, only one person has to calm down for there to be quiet. In a group, silence is hard-established — and it only takes one person to break it.

Noise is infectious. Quiet is not. The silent watcher at the meeting is more likely to be dubbed disengaged than attentive, reclusive than focused. It’s easier to start yelling than to sit and endure the tension. When everyone is talking, at least everyone is doing the same thing — even if no one can understand anyone anymore.

When we come together, so do our differing priorities, agendas, and incentives. A gigantic cloud of human emotion forms in the room. It’s easy to get lost in the fog. An elderly person’s main focus is to take care of their ailing partner. A younger family member wants to engage in intellectual discussions. The host is trying to keep everyone fed and happy.

In the ongoing kerfuffle, compromises must be made. We can either let go of our ego and board someone else’s ship, hoping to get everyone into the same boat, or we can sit back, relax, and watch in silence. It won’t solve every conflict immediately, but who knows? At least on some days, it might get everyone to re-center — and when groups begin anew from calm, that’s when magic happens.

When You Don’t Have a Lot of Time

If you don’t have years, months will have to do.

When months are already allocated, days can be enough.

Should you have no days left to spare that week, perhaps you can spend a few hours.

When you don’t have many hours, a lot of minutes still add up.

And if you don’t have so much as a few minutes, a handful of moments can still make a difference.

Smile. Hold the door. Take five minutes to chat. Fix their problem. Gather materials. Create your magnum opus. It’s all contained within the same hourglass.

How many grains of sand can you grab? No one knows. The question is are you willing to reach out? Will you dedicate these atoms to the purpose that’s in front of you? Or will you sit back and let time trickle by?

Even the smallest unit counts, and what you choose to do always matters. Thank you for choosing deliberately.

Resting Places

We call graves “resting places,” but why wait that long? My bed is a resting place I can enjoy every day. Even when I can’t sleep anymore, it is still comforting. Add girlfriend-cuddles for support, and an extra 30 minutes in the morning can change the entire trajectory of my day.

The guest couch in my office is a resting place. When I’m stuck on a piece of writing, I close my laptop and lie down. Often, after just a few minutes, a creative breakthrough ensues.

Resting places aren’t just physical, of course. Star Wars is a resting place. I can venture into that universe whenever I need inspiration, courage, or simply a reminder that other creative people are toiling away behind their screens too. Music is a resting place. I have a whole playlist of calm songs I go to when I feel tired, need to think slowly, or write more somber, melancholic, thoughtful pieces.

A conversation can be a resting place. Not the excited, somewhat frantic, often alcohol-fueled kind you might have at the pub on a Friday. The kind that’s full of long silences, held over a drink at the kitchen table or sitting side by side on the couch, and that makes do with little to no words but restores your spirit all the same.

A walk can be a resting place. So can the bench you stumble upon in the course of it, or the random book you notice sitting on top of said bench. Half an hour of unplanned reading can do wonders for your energy.

Find your resting places. Create some if you can. Have lots of them. Put them everywhere. Access them as needed. Dip into rest often. Recharge repeatedly throughout the day.

Resting in peace should not be something we can only do after we die. Don’t relegate rest.

Preheat the Cup

I’m a slow coffee drinker. Like, sips-on-cold-coffee-2-hours-later slow. And I still enjoy it! I know. Cue any self-respecting Italian rolling his eyes. But I do like my coffee more when it’s hot, and so in the morning, I pour some boiling water into my cup, let it sit for a few minutes, rinse it, and then press the “Lungo” button. That way, my coffee will stay hot for an hour or more. If I don’t preheat the cup, I’ve got 20 minutes tops.

This daily blog is me preheating my writing cup. It activates my creativity. It’s easier to work on another piece when you’ve already finished one. Already reminded yourself that you are willing and able to ship. It’s just a tiny bit of dopamine, but it motivates me. It also makes me proud. Before the day really begins, I’ve already written something true. I’ve already made art. Even if what’s next mostly pays the bills, my soul has not been neglected. It’s warm, just like my coffee cup.

We’re familiar with the idea of preheating. We do it all the time. We preheat our ovens, our irons, and our mugs. We also prepare in other areas. We stretch before a workout, rehearse for an interview, or dress up for a date. But for some reason, when it comes to one of our most important activities, work, we rarely put any conscious thought into our warm-up. It’s tempting to think that because you routinely spend eight hours working, you don’t need any preparation to do it. I’d argue the exact opposite is true.

Every time a pro soccer player starts practice without making sure her muscles are ready, she risks being injured. Just because our stakes at work aren’t connected to physical pain does not mean they aren’t high. Anyone who’s ever been fired for doing shoddy work would know. And as for the soccer player, we may not pull a metaphorical hamstring immediately. We can get away with cold starts many times. Sooner or later, however, we’ll get the bill.

What’s your start-work-ritual? Do you have one? You should. Coffee alone doesn’t count, by the way. Your ritual must be connected to your performance. If you’re a designer, you might browse your library for new elements for five minutes before hitting your first logo of the day. If you’re a musician, you may want to tune your guitar. And if you’re a nurse, five minutes of Mozart, meditation, or reminding yourself to be loving and kind might do the trick.

Coffee always goes cold eventually. Even if you only have a few good moments in you every day, however, those moments are worth teeing up correctly. Remember to preheat the cup.

Make It Count

When Nike gave him a massive video budget up front, Casey Neistat decided he’d travel the world with his editor instead. They went to the airport, took the next outgoing flight on the “Departures” board, and they kept doing that until they ran out of money.

For about three months after they came back, they sat on two hard drives full of vacation footage, pulling out their hair. “What have we done?!” They missed a deadline to premier the video. And another. And another.

I’m not sure how the video eventually was released, but knowing Casey, I can easily imagine him just uploading without notifying anyone. On April 9, 2012, Make It Count was released — and it immediately exploded. Nike sold Fuelbands by the bucket. Casey got phone calls from brands 24/7. And the whole internet was talking about the video. Over ten years later, it is still his fourth-most popular video of all time…but none of it would have happened if Casey hadn’t taken the risk of alienating Nike’s budget.

Why then? Why go nuts on the third of three videos, especially if the two you’ve delivered were already well-received? “This was right after I made this decision to myself that I was going to pursue a new kind of work,” Casey says. “That I didn’t want to make crappy TV commercials anymore. I wanted to do stuff that I really believed in” — and that’s why he pushed all chips on red.

Every day, you’re given a small stack of tokens. They resemble your attention, creativity, and spirit. You can put those tokens into the same machine you fed yesterday. Often, that’s not a bad choice. “Let’s make a little more of what we made yesterday.” But small bets only yield small rewards, and so every now and then, you must put the whole hand on one gut feeling.

The only way a tiny stack of chips grows into a tall tower of impact is when you get a big return on it — and without risk, that return will never come. The machine will just spit out enough tokens to keep you going from one day to the next. No jackpot. No extra credits. No free lifetime lunch buffet.

Using your chips well does not mean taking the first flight out every time some cash lands in your bank account. Making dicey bets all the time is as dangerous as avoiding risk altogether. One will get you burned, the other burned out. But every once in a while, perhaps when you feel extra bold or have vowed to change direction, it’s healthy to upset expectations. To break character. To spend the entire budget on a glorious trip and figure the video out later.

Make it count.

Your Mom Was Also Scared

Most certainly on the day she gave birth to you. So was your dad. Your grandfather. Your ancestor from 3,500 years ago.

Your sister is also scared. Your boss is too. So are your colleague, your baseball team coach, and your second cousin once removed.

You are not the only one who wakes up at night every now and then, worried about what turn life will take tomorrow, imagining unkind scenarios outside your realm of control. Everyone does.

Everyone gets scared from time. That may not be the consolation you hope for when waking up in a cold sweat, but it sure is a great reason to clear your mind, think restful thoughts, and try to go back to sleep.

You are not alone — not even when you most feel like you are.

Reset Buttons

The older we get, the more we believe time flies too fast, but its swift passage comes with one advantage: Life is full of reset buttons.

Every month, you can reset your project plan. Wipe the whiteboard clean, and come up with a new, better set of milestones.

Every day, you get a new chance to rise out of bed and tackle the day in a positive, optimistic spirit.

Even every hour, you can restart the timer, pick a new task, and focus on more important work. Try to do better work. Heck, if you view life through the lens of a tool like the Pomodoro Technique, you can hit reset every 30 minutes!

So much for the theory. Why do we rarely do it in practice? Well, it’s easier to be consistent. To stick to the plan everyone nodded off on in January, even if it no longer works. To stew in the same foul mood we went to bed with yesterday. To keep hammering away at the same task, regardless of how relevant it is to what we’re hoping to accomplish.

Don’t let the comfort of consistency fool you. Routine can become rut, and ruts in mazes as complex as life only lead to dead ends — if they don’t prevent you from moving at all. Rats, however, are smart animals. They adapt. They’ll keep zipping between walls until they find an exit. What has been need not always be.

Life is full of reset buttons. Hit them. Hit them often, and hit as many of them as you need to until the right door opens in front of you.