What makes a person emotionally strong? We all want to be composed, steadfast adults, but we don’t have a good answer to this question.
We know emotional strength when we see it. We can feel it. Mature people are attractive. They give us hope. We admire them. Merely observing empowered people makes us feel more in control as well. But what led to it? Which traits did they cultivate within to become so visibly powerful without?
Countless attitudes are ascribed to being strong: There’s willpower, patience, and persistence. There’s discipline, persuasiveness, and flexibility. What about honesty? What about detachment? Will those make us strong? It’s easy to get lost in a sea of attributes, none of which ultimately matter.
According to The School of Life, only a few qualities will turn us into the rock others can lean and build upon. Once we’ve clearly identified those in the people we adore, we must be laser-focused on developing them in ourselves.
Here are the three cardinal virtues of emotional maturity.
1. Trust
Trust begets calm. If you think everyone is out to get you, you’ll implode from paranoia at every turn. You’ll snap at the slightest slight, and burn bridges you’ve barely finished building.
Trust is a lighthearted way to look at the world. It’s the most practical form of optimism. When you have faith in people, every encounter becomes an opportunity — to create, to laugh, and to alleviate each other’s burden.
Mature people trust first because they know that’s how trust is built. You can’t meet everyone halfway. Often, it takes a leap of faith, and that leap is scary. But if you jump anyway, 99% of the time, you’ll have a soft landing. Plus, it’s never too late to draw a hard line. You can always yell at someone later.
When it works, trust is magnificent. It grows exponentially. When your boss takes a chance on you, you’ll take a chance on someone too. Seeing people believe in others makes us believe too — not just in them, but in our own circle as well. Then, little by little, the trust bubble expands.
Emotionally mature people see the world for what it is: A place that wants humans to succeed. They’re not plagued by suspicions of ill-will, and they don’t expect anyone to have a reason to attack them. Of course, some people will, but emotionally sound folks know that, in the grand scheme of things, those aren’t worth focusing on — for if they did, they’d lose countless happy moments with the kind rest of humanity.
Strong people don’t just assume benevolent forces permeate the universe, they are the ones willing them into existence. They trust those forces will aid them, and that’s why they extend that same courtesy to everyone they meet.
2. Communication
How well you communicate is determined almost entirely by your patience.
Think about it: If someone hurts you with their words or their actions, they need a chance to explain. If you give it to them, most likely, you’ll at least somewhat understand their point of view — and that’ll resolve your conflict.
Similarly, you need to illustrate your position, and you can’t do that when you’re busy sulking. It takes time to find the right words, to convince yourself that, yes, your suffering is valid regardless of its form, and to remember that, most likely, you’re struggling with a friend, not an enemy.
Patience allows you to articulate yourself, and it affords others the space to do the same. Until you run out of patience, there are always more words to be found, and so it is never our intellect that expires but our endurance.
Emotionally mature people know communication is everything, and that’s why they’re almost always willing to communicate — even if the solution might ultimately be to walk away. They stay patient until they have clarity, and then they share what they’ve learned in the simplest of words.
“I’m sorry.” “I don’t understand.” “I disagree.” Life needn’t be so complicated. You can say things like “I don’t know,” “No, thank you,” and “Help me, please.” These are perfectly valid statements. In fact, they’ll heal more than hurt. They’ll greatly accelerate the pace at which you resolve conflict and thus let you get along better with everyone you come across.
3. Vulnerability
It takes courage to admit that you’ve been hurt — especially to the person who did the hurting. It feels like taking a risk, like offering a second chance to someone who wasted their first. That’s why, often, we don’t do it.
We pretend we’re fine; that it’s the affront that’s petty, not us. “Me? Stung by this nuisance? No chance!” Naturally, the facade is paper-thin, and pitiful eyes see right through it. Were our offender to offer an apology, we’d collapse like a house of cards.
True strength is knocking over the construction all on your own. That’s what mature people do. They don’t hide their weak spots. They don’t fight their imperfections. Mind you, they do not flaunt them either. Emotional exhibitionism is not sexy.
Vulnerability is looking in the mirror and saying: “I see your pimples. I see the grey hair. I even see the bag of failure you carry on your back. It’s okay. Maybe tomorrow, you can set it down. You deserve it. But today, just get out there and do your best.” Most of all, it is not changing that mindset when it’s not the person in the mirror but someone else who can see our insecurities.
Emotionally mature people know that vulnerability must be balanced between trust and communication. One enables it, the other rewards it. They count on their revelations being well-received, and they do their best to explain them clearly with neither grandeur nor despair.
Their ability to do so stems not from circumstance but from the inner work they have done. Strong people have arrived at a place where they respect their flaws without condoning them, share their struggles without giving up on them, and know their right to doing either is universal — for it depends not on how others think of them, only on how highly they hold themselves in their own regard.
The Holy Trinity of the Emotionally Mature
In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Albus Dumbledore says: “We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.” He is talking about different schools of magic having to work together in order to persist against the dark forces of Lord Voldemort.
However, what applies to the strength of humans as a species also applies to strength at the individual level. That’s why it’s hard to pinpoint what makes a person strong — it is neither one trait nor all traits, but an amalgamation of three specific yet distinct virtues: Trust, communication, and vulnerability.
Communication is the mind. Vulnerability is the heart. Trust is the spirit.
Communication is a commitment to using your brain. Vulnerability is a commitment to connecting with others. Trust is having faith in those commitments.
Linked together, these three values form a triangle, each side of which helps balance the other two.
Trust allows you to be patient in your communication and open with your shortcomings. Communication makes trust and vulnerability worthwhile. Vulnerability reinforces trust and clarifies communication.
Also like a triangle, it only takes removing one side for the whole construct to fall apart.
If you only work on trust and communication, you’ll be positive and talkative but never admit that you’re hurt. People won’t see your true colors, and they’ll think you’re easy to work with but unapproachable as a friend.
Communication and vulnerability without trust make for a great professional complainer. People like this always lament their situation, but since they don’t trust anyone, they commercialize their pain — and as soon as others realize they’ve been hustled for their goodwill, they’ll rightfully ditch them.
Trust and vulnerability alone lead to naïve and nebulous oversharing. This person wears their heart on their sleeve, but since they don’t express themselves well, no one really knows what’s wrong and how to help them. This never-ending cycle eventually wears out even the most patient listener.
The darkness we fight may not be as tangible as an evil wizard casting spells, but the tactics it employs are much the same: Distrust, secrecy, deception — only a rebellion against all three will set us free, and the emotionally mature are leading the way.
Being a strong person is not about what you project. It is about having a healthy relationship with yourself, others, and the world. If you focus on these foundational values, no matter how arduously you might have to attain them, sooner or later, you’ll become a beacon of hope for the rest of us.