I’ve had a million chances to learn this lesson. But I never did. Not quite. Not really. It’s one of the hardest to sink in. Maybe, I can write it into existence:
Good or bad, conscious or not, healthy or toxic, you choose who you love.
As much as that means you’re responsible for all the wrong people you’ve loved, it also means you have a say in getting this to change.
You don’t just choose. You can choose.
You can choose to love someone you’re infatuated with. Who swept you off your feet so hard you had no choice but to fall for them head over heels. Who feels just a little too good to be true, until, one day, it might turn out they are.
But you can also do the opposite.
You can choose to love someone you’re not really attracted to. Someone who’s a little too thin, has a few tattoos too many, whose teeth aren’t as straight as you’d like them to be. But who’s a good person at heart, who shows up, who proves themselves again and again. Who knows how their body might change.
You can choose to love someone who’s got more money than you’ve ever dared to even dream about spending. Who never has to work a day in their life and so won’t you. Hopefully. Unless, one day, the money runs out.
But you can also do the opposite.
You can choose to love someone who’s broke, unemployed, or just started a job where they’re in way over their head. Who’s not good with money, not yet good with money, but who’s working hard to change. To create a better future.
You can choose to love someone who showers you with love. Who texts you 15 times a day and wants to be together every minute. Who’ll pour their heart and soul into you until the two of you become one. If that’s what you want.
But you can also do the opposite.
You can choose to love someone who’s just trying to be their best self. Who’ll love themselves first, but wants you to do too and is loyal in doing it together. Someone you’ll never own, but proudly point to, turn to, come home to.
You can choose to love someone who checks all your boxes. Who passes all your artificial tests with flying colors. Who must be the perfect match. Except what if they change? Or you do?
But you can also do the opposite.
You can choose to love someone who defies your expectations. Who’s too busy solving important problems to live up to your quirks. Who wants to do good work, be a good person, live a good life. And who’s always good for a surprise.
You can choose to love someone who’ll never match your effort. Who slowly spirals into taking you for granted, who thinks they’ve settled and you’ve overreached. Someone you’ll never quite be good enough for.
But you can also do the opposite.
You can choose to love someone who’d rather give you 51%. Who’s not worried about keeping score. Who knows trust is built on the extra mile.
You can choose to love someone who sees you as an unfinished product. A batch of dough that needs kneading, forming, to be baked into shape. Maybe, they’ll turn you into who you want to be. Or who they think you want to be. Or, they’ll just mold you to their own expectations.
But you can also do the opposite.
You can choose to love someone who refuses to box you in at all. Because life’s too short for boxes, expectations, and makeover missions. Someone, who’d rather be curious. Who loves to ask questions. “Why did you do this? Why did you change? Oh, that’s interesting.”
None of these have to be smart. Or honorable. Or even the right choice.
But that’s what they are. Choices. And I want you — I want me — to be aware of them. To know that’s what’s going on. We’re in control here.
They’re choices you make not just once, but every day. Choices you can continue making long after you’ve started questioning them. Long after you’ve stopped believing in them. But choices they’ll always remain.
Life is not a straight line. Who’s to say what’s good and what’s bad? It’s all so very subjective. Conscious, unconscious, it all changes so fast, and the best we can do is to realize when it happens. What’s healthy one day might be toxic the next and who’s doing either to whom is mostly a matter of perspective.
That’s why these choices, these thousands of little choices, are so important. We don’t just choose. We can choose. It’s both a burden and a blessing. But we must continue to make them. Either way, every day.
Let’s not fall for our own little antics. For surges of emotions, society’s standards, and first impressions. Let’s remember the truth and let our actions prove its existence: You can choose who you love.