A few weeks ago, I messaged an old friend. After some chit chat, she said: “We should catch up some time!” Instead of agreeing with the usual “For sure!” that never leads to anything, this time, I did something different: Right then and there, I hit the call button — and we talked for 20 minutes.
We talked about our careers, about the compromises in our relationships, and about how the pandemic has affected us. We talked about our plans, the memories of our time together, and about how we can’t believe it’s been eight years since we saw each other in person.
It was a deep, fun, and invigorating conversation, and that’s why, unlike many others, I still remember it today. When I reflected on the experience later, I realized: I have hit the stage in life where I don’t need new friends — I need to make sure I don’t lose the friends I have.
High school is a great place to form lasting friendships. Why? We don’t look ahead so much. Instead, we look around. Every day, we’re fully engaged in the intricacies of our tiny, local society, mostly because we have to navigate one for the first time.
The result, however, is that we don’t worry who might be most valuable down the line. We’re too busy trying to figure people out in real-time. Whose company do we enjoy? Who’s taking advantage of our skills? Who shows us loyalty when it matters? These are the questions that make lifetime friends.
As we grow up and graduate, we get more strategic about our connections. We’ve already mastered the basic policies of swimming in social circles, so we’re free to take a more long-term view in college or our first company: Who might be a beneficial connection? Who can help us level up?
To some extent, this “professionalization” of relationships is normal. After all, connections accumulate as we age, and once we have a solid baseline, we no longer feel the need to become best buds with everyone we meet. But there is also a danger of treating each new person like a door to something else — and, in the process, forgetting about those you’ve loved since the early days.
There’s a delicate balance between getting lost in society’s irrelevant kerfuffles and alienating everyone around you. Age makes that balance harder to maintain. The universe seems to warp ever more around us. Additional years act like gravity, pulling the center of our attention into our head. It’s “my” career, “my” life, “my” family. My, my, my. We wonder why old relationships become harder to maintain — and new ones harder to find.
The truth is simple: We stopped focusing on people and started focusing on ourselves. The older we got, the more forward-looking we became. And then, when we’re actually old, we wish we hadn’t been so forward-looking.
I lied. “These memories are too good to let go!” I told my friend on the phone. That’s not true. I don’t care too much about our memories. I care about the bond we formed because of them.
That bond is like a soft pillow in my pocket: Every time I touch it, my heart feels warm and fuzzy. It’s inner peace at the push of a button — in this case, the call button of my FaceTime app.
“See you next year,” I told her at the end. It’s both funny and sad. A true running joke I’ve got going with too many. Still, once a year is much better than not spending time together at all.
One friend for life is worth a thousand acquaintances. Chances are, you’re worrying too much about the latter and too little about the former.
When we see people only as stepping stones, they’ll rightly feel stepped upon, and what good is building bridges if all you’ll do is burn them?
You don’t need new friends as much as you need to not lose the friends you have. Never put meeting new people over caring for those you already love. Keep your priorities straight. Don’t let go of someone you know you want in your life for the off chance of adding someone you may or may not like.
Don’t fret about where you’re headed. Think about who you’ve left behind. Reconnect with the people you love. It’s easier than you think. Like our best relationships, the old saying never expires: Make new friends but keep the old, for one is silver while the other is gold.