I don’t know why you can’t let go. Why you have to keep pushing. I know it upsets you. Deeply. Why do you love excellence so much? Why can’t you be normal? Just chill out. Just for a month, pretend work doesn’t matter. Wishful thinking, that is. Of course it matters. Deeply.
You’ve gained a lot from it. You can look back on so much. Every time you do, you’re proud. You know you’ve come far. You just don’t look back enough. You should turn around more. All this reaching high, falling down, it messes with your neck and back. Stay on the ground for once, will you? Ha, as if.
Why are you such a sucker for those movies? About the race car drivers and writers and entrepreneurs? Why does their obsession look so goddamn heroic to you? Don’t you see what they sacrifice? What they’re going through for that trophy, that golden mannequin, that one stupid book? Of course you do. Yet here you are, still going. It’s like you’re wearing blinders, I swear.
Don’t you see that no one cares? A hundred, a thousand, two hundred thousand, it’s all just numbers on a screen. If you go away, so will the numbers. And then what? Will anyone remember? Oh, don’t look at me like that. You know they won’t. People forget. Fast. Why don’t you let that stop you? What’s wrong with you?
Look, I get it. Determination is attractive. But relentlessness? Where’d you pick that one up? Who put that in your coffee? Speaking of which, that’s like one of five things you need, and you know it. A laptop, a phone, some headphones, internet, you’re pretty frugal for a guy reaching for the stars. I bet you wouldn’t know what to do with them once you had them. Same with people, by the way. Family, friends, girlfriend. You literally have everything you need. Oh, you know? Then what’s the matter?
What do you mean you can’t explain? Innate force, can’t help it, what’s this mumbo-jumbo? Sounds pretty obvious to me: You’re struggling for something that’ll forever remain just out of reach. Excellence. Pah. It’s some marker you keep pushing away every time you can grab it. Say it’s not so, I dare you!
I wish I could snap you out of it. But I’m beginning to realize, you’re just a lost cause. You’ll never understand. No easy life for you. Fine. Struggle if you must. I’m sure deep down you know. You already know you’re good enough. I hope you’ll remember it when it matters. Don’t fall into a hole I can’t pull you out from. Promise me, okay?
I mean, who knows? Maybe all that struggle will be worth it. Heck, maybe the struggle is the whole point. What do I know, really? I’m no smarter than you, just a little more skeptic about this whole greatness thing. Guess I’ll have to let you press on. You’ll do what you want anyway. Always have, always will.
Before I leave you to your antics, to your late-night sessions, morning doubts, and forever shipping the next thing, know this: The night is always darkest right before the dawn. I won’t always be here to talk some sense into you, and I don’t know if someone else will. I know you know this. I know you’re positive and strong. Can’t be too sure, I guess. Just remember:
Even if you don’t feel like it right now, one day, you will be enough.